"Okay guy's, we're going out to walmart real quick, but we'll take the kids with us so you can do something for us. I would like it if you could clean up the house for me by the time we come back"She said, shutting the door behind her.
I go back to my room and take a look at the time, it's 12:11. That means that I have around 3 hours before she will be back, so I don't have to do it right now, I can just relax, so I just turned on my 55 inch flat screen onto MTV and watched Jackass. I was starting to zone out, so I didn't see what stupid stuff they were doing. My older brother nick, who is 19, walked in the kitchen from his room. He slammed the door just enough to make me snap to attention.
"Hey, watcha doin"? I mumbled, barely letting him understant what i was asking.
"You know, Nothing at all". He replied angrily, still mad about the fact that he can't get a job right now. So he sat down on the couch, right after I decided to take a quick nap for probably around an hour, just leaving me with enough time left over to clean up the house and do all that, so i curled into a ball on my bed, and dozed off. My brother woke me up 45 minutes later telling me that I had to do the chores right now or they wouldn't be done by the time I got home. I called my mom, just to make sure that I had enough time to do all of the chores.
"Hello", my mom answered
"Hey, just wanted to check in with you and see when you're coming home"
"I'm gonna be home soon, probably in 20 minutes or so" She said.
"Why", she asked"Are you almost done"?
"Well, you better be done before I come back", She said with an unpleasing tone.
I hung up the phone and started to wonder what she will do if i don't do any of the chores by the time she gets home?
I sat down right back where i started in the beginning, watching TV with my brother Nick. Around 15 minutes later, my mom arrives back home.
"So, are you done"? She questioned.
"Nope" I replied quickly.
"What did you do then"?
"I did absolutely nothing at all"
"What do you mean, you had to be doing something"!
"Well to me I did nothing, so I'm gonna go back to my room and do Nothing"!!!!!!!!!
I like your story because it has a humor tone to it, especially at the end. I think you were right on target with using dialogue. Something to improve on would be to add some detailed verbs.
ReplyDeleteI like this story because you hot the dialogue perfectly and avoided tag lines. Made the story better and your ending was very strong, leaves me wondering what happened next. To improve I would use more descriptive and stronger words so this piece can be more powerful.
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