"Hey Nick, I think that I left something outside" I said groggily, just waking up.
"Well good luck, we had that blizzard last night", He replied."It gave us 4 to 5 feet of snow"
"Fine, I'll go out there, wanna help"?
"Sure, just let me get my jacket"
"How cold is it"?, I questioned, putting it on.
"I think it's -10 outside". He said, "It's been a lot colder".
"I need a little help with the door" I said, it was like pushing a car by yourself.
We pushed and pushed, until the door busted open, sending us flying into a wall of snow and ice, our faces turning red.
Right away, I began to dig in the snow all the way till I was scratching a tree. I dug deeper, until I grabbed my toy's from the snow. I walked inside, started to relax, and drank hot chocolate.
Dialogue is a great way to tell the story! The fixed action to the active was a dramatic difference but it works.
ReplyDeleteMore detail, cold, colder is repeating. show more.
My initial reaction was Im really glad how you used the dialogue in this piece and pulled it off. Things that are working are your gestures such as " I said groggily, just waking up". Tis is well written but to improve i would say watch your tag lines because there's a little to much in it. Also Add more words when we can because the ending sentence is a little to weak.
ReplyDeleteshow a little more and your story will be perfect. You dialogue was awesome. your saids were in the perfect spots.
ReplyDelete